My Family’s Money

These flowery, fried onions have more magic to them than the slight burning sensation they leave at the back of my throat – getting one will almost certainly mean something you ordered will be free (hopefully its something sweet with a ridiculously dangerous name)(video). Now that may sound crazy to everyone who has ordered a Bloomin’ Onion or one of the many copycat creations and had to actually pay for it and pay for your desert – or even go without desert altogether (gasp!). Rest assured, this has randomly happened to me twice so it must mean I stumbled upon some deep magic indeed.

Here are your magical steps for getting free stuff at a dinner out for two:

1. Only go out to eat if you are going to use a gift card or cash given as a gift, and go out on an ‘off night’ (i.e. Monday through Thursday). This way you won’t have to wait very long or pay very much for your night out with your somebody special.
2. Be very polite. From the time you enter the door to the time you leave the establishment make sure you treat everyone who works there with great respect and gentleness. Sometimes they may not deserve it, but be a good person – it will make you feel better for using cheap magic to get free stuff. Say ‘thank you’ and acknowledge when people bring you things.
3. Only get water to drink. Other stuff may taste better but it will probably be more expensive and less healthy. And besides, ordering water is probably the most important step for getting your free stuff.
4. Take a long time deciding what you want. I come from a family that decided what they wanted on the way to the restaurant, so any time we tell the waitress (are their even waiters anymore?) that we aren’t ready to order yet it feels like it is taking a long time to order. Definitely ask her to come back later at least once, but maybe twice just to play it safe. In the mean time talk with your loved one about how handsome you are or what a great companion you are.
5. Order something good, but cheap, and split it if possible. Be sure to order your onion thingy here too. Each time we asked for it first and then ordered our main dishes. One time my wife ordered the onion, the next time I did – so I don’t think the magic depends on who orders what. Each time we also ordered a salad with our meal so that must have some tie in to the magic as well.
6. Eat the freebies. Outback offers some pretty good bread with their meals and my wife and I plowed through 2 1/2 loaves by the time our meal was over. It went well with pretty much everything. You can order endless things at different restaurants, like chips, and I recommend doing that if they don’t offer the onion.
7. Talk about fun, interesting, or important things while you eat. If you don’t laugh together the magic won’t work. You want the magic to work, don’t you?
8. Tip generously, but fairly. This may sound like an oxymoron, but rewarding those who do really well and punish those who do poorly is compatible with being generous – all you do is give each bad waitress the benefit of the doubt and think about how you would like to be tipped in the given situation. We almost always err on the side of generosity in such circumstances.

By following these 8 surefire steps you will inevitably have your bloomin’ onion come out after your main meal – thus ensuring you some freebie. Try the magic for yourself, it is a sure thing!(a)